Its gonna be a week since i am back in bradford.. Gosh, time really flies! Its already gonna be the end of August!! my exam is in four days time!! i don't know wat im gonna do.. I'm really scared for my exams and i don't know if i am going to pass this or not. I really hope i will pass this exam. its the only thing stopping me from making it to third year.Well, what have i been doing this week. I cut my hair when i came to bradford. my straight hair is gone already.. I just realised dat my hair is like my boycut when i was in form two.. i didn't realise it till i washed it the next day.. its hard to tame the hair at the moment but i am just typing it up with loads of clips! i think its easy to tame it if i have straight hair.. i've been hanging out with the guys quite a bit.. its so boring in my halls. there is no one to speak to or see. this halls is really dead! i was not used to all the silence so i was just going out with them and having my lunch or dinner. actually i end up having my dinner with whisky. he just stays in two doors away so it makes more sense for me to go to his place and have dinner.. I think matthew got the wrong idea thought when he found out i keep having dinner with whisky but its quite hard trying to say whisky is my little bro! loli went to birmingham yesterday for temple prayers. It was really good and i think it made me realise a few things for myself dat i have been forgetting or being mislead. i just hope i'll stand firm with my feelings. I really want to go to india to visit the temple there but i don't know when will i be getting a chance. my aunt is going in october and i asked my parents and they have said yes but then my travelling feng shui this year is really bad. all my travel plans are just going haywire and not as planned. Lubna is getting married next week. i wonder how she is feeling. its gonna be weird not having her in halls next year.. its a big step to get married and live with your husband while you are still studying. its her last year as well. she has to adapt to a lot of things but i am sure she can. it must have been hard for her to stay engaged to her husband for three years. i don't think i could be married while i was in uni actuall. i wouldn't mind being engaged in uni but definately not married. feeling sleepy actually.. will probably get to sleep and then wake up early tom to start studying.. going to go and see some people after their resits. they must be hating me cuz i keep going after every exam has finished to meet these people.
SubaG
11:18 pm
Its always good to have high expectations when you want to achieve something. its good to set high goals for youself cuz even if you cannot met it, it will still be high enough.. We shouldn't have high expectations in receiving things.. There would be no disappointments or broken hopes if we don't have hope. Just receive things one day at a time. Don't stop hoping for things to receive cuz it won't happen like dat. Life is weird.. What can I say but we will definately come across the answers soon enough...
SubaG
8:31 pm
I was talking to Whisky today and he was having some love problems.. He really has got himself into a tight situation! basically he likes a girl who has a BF. Thing is the girl likes Whisky as well as the BF. I've been through a lot of disappointments in my life and come out of it..
My love live complication started off with Mr.T. He was my first crush.. I don't know wats wrong wit me, I could never just like a guy and be happy. I always felt i needed/wanted more. I mean I wrote him an e-mail and confessed to him and well, got rejected in the end along wit a few insults.. I was hurt but looking back, it was a good warning to me dat guys can be quite cruel to you.
Then it went on to Mr.A.. It started off like a nice story.. we were good friends and had a good laugh which each other.. i thought we were quite close actually... Don't know wat happened but he decided to move out of my life and do a disappearing act. Its still quite hard till now.. theres a tiny part of me that is curious to find out what happened but i guess time will tell!
Mr.S comes in and out of my life.. I was 16 and i just liked any attn i got i guess.. I remember speaking till 3 in the morning one night... It was sad dat he was in Uk and i was in brunei at dat time.. I felt secure when i was next to him, a feeling i haven't felt with anyone else. we have our separate lives now.. i do see him now and then in Uk. we smile and say hello but it just stops there. Being in his presence makes me know i am safe and his smile is enough to wipe away any of my sadness.. He is just too good for me!!
I went to Taylor's College and i thought dat a new life will lead to a new guy?? Mr.N was the first guy i saw in Taylor's and it was an even bigger shock when he was in the same class as me.. He was nice and i was shy.. Then he started ignoring and treating me like dirt... didn't know wat happened but realised it was due to my stupidity.. I learnt never to over expose my emotions..
I thought about Mr.V to try and forget about Mr.N, i remember it was Taylors A-level prom for the leaving batch and i found out dat Mr.N had a gf.. i didn't sleep dat night.. i jus got up at weird hours of the morning and i was crying dat he was taken by someother girl.. Looking back, i realised i should have just slept.. Wasted my beauty sleep.. I tried to get to know Mr.V better by messaging him in friendster and stuff like dat but he didn't show interest. I tried to send him a few mails and he would reply months later.. i finally realised dat he wasn't worth my time..
Moving to Bradford was a big step for me. I though i won't meet anyone and i was still getting over Mr.A. I guess i just wanted an answer to why he left me hanging like dat... I saw Mr.S.. I dunno whether it was my age or the position i was in. I just fell for Mr.S.. i did a lot of crazy things for him.. i made silly excuses as well, i never actually thought abt it logically. I told Mr.S dat i liked him more dan a friend on March 11 at 8:00 p.m. It was a very hard thing to do but the hardest thins would probably be him telling me dat he had a GF already. lol, thinking back i realised i was such a stupid girl but made me realise even further dat i was not ready for any sort of relationship..
I think meeting and confronting Mr.S was the best thing dat ever happened in my life.. I gradually started forgetting Mr.A, i forgot Mr.S as more dan a fren and saw him as a friend. You can say i just stopped liking guys. i didn't want to go through these processes. I saw Whisky cry today and i thought to myself, i don't want to cry anymore. i have wasted so much time crying about the guys i have liked. I think i deserve some self respect for myself and lead my life happily.
Mr.M has been a friend in my life but i am so scared dat i am gonna start thinking of him as more dan a friend. I have all the proof dat god doesn't want me to have relationships at this point in time. I really do trust dat God has higher plans for me and he has chosen the right guy for me and mr.right will come along in due time.. Its just i am so scared dat my friendship will get ruined if i start having other thoughts.. Mr.M has been able to put a smile on my face and just been able to keep me sane at times.. I guess i have to leave it to god, see where this trail takes me and hey, i can get through this as well..
LIfe is all about taking risks. At the end of the day, i am glad i made every risk i did and im still happy at the end of the day eventhough the relationships have been a failure. they have made me a stronger person today and dats wat is important.
SubaG
10:31 pm
I'd like to really thank my sis for doing this new layout for my blog.. I just needed a change and she's the expert in this sort of thing! i am so hopeless in all this and its the 21st century!! lol.. Oh well, ill learn something in due time.. Blogging keeps me sane but i just lost the interest to blog or just see my past posts cuz i kept thinking of home. I know i can get weird sometimes!I want a fresh start.. I think i am moving towards dat goal.. Work has been a blessing for me in disguise. Work has taken my mind of a lot of things. I just wanted to forget everything in my life.. I just gave work 100% of my time, energy and willpower.. The people at work did test me though.. i mean there are people there who are antifriendly and the people are quite snappy towards me but that was good ebcause it tested my patience. i have got quite a high tolerance level now. I think i have forgotten a special someone now.. Thats good news. He is not the right person for me.. he is a great guy but then we are from two different continents and we have our own culture, beliefs and ways of life... I have to thank work for that.. going to work and concentrating on things there has made me take other thigns from my mind.. I still have the fear for my resits but then that will always be there till the 1st of Sept. I think i have become a more independent person now. I have been staying by myself in my uncles house for the past month now. i didn't think i will be capable of doing it. i thought i will have to run to my aunts house an hour of staying alone but i am proud of myself. i have come through and can stay alone in a house. i experienced going to work, coming home to an empty house, cooking for myself and cleaning after that. Life sure is tough but its good i got this experience and i know what i need to do in future. i have to do this in durham next year anywaz. Sometimes you question yourself why things happen to you and why is it hard but then i think god has got his own plan for us and that is the best plan at the end of the day. Things won't come to us like that, we have to work towards it and go through a lot of hardship in other to achieve something and trust me, we will be so much thankful when we go through the more bumpy road. I've been in autopilot this whole month. sometimes i go the wrong way or i do stupid things in public cuz i have just been in my own world. i know its not the end of the wprld to fail and exam but still its been quite hard.. been closing myself from a few friends because i rather deal with it myself. i just don't feel like talking to some people. they just want to know if i have been revising and how that is going.. i just don't want to talk about resits or anything related to studies. it just puts me off studying as well..
SubaG
5:25 pm
well, i sure have been missing in action for sometime... So many things have happened in this one month.. U plan one thing and God has a totally different plan for you.. I got my results for my summer exams.. i failed pharmacognosy.. i cannot believe i failed one of my final exams.. Its the first time i have failed..i haven't failed any exams before... this was definately an eye opener for me, i realised dat i can't just try my luck and pass my exams..I had my interview with Durhan hosp the next day.. it was a reallu daunting time.. had to travel 3 hours just to go for my interview. i liked going back to durham though, its such a nice hstoric place and the people there are so friendly.. from the taxi driver when i got there to the person at the hospital, they were all really friendly and nice people.. the interview went really horribly though... i didn't know most of the answers and knew nothing about the PJ and the medicines management at the hospital.. i just found out that i got the hospital placement!! i'm so glad and thankful i got the place!! YaY.. Its gonna be really scar though.. i can't imagine moving to a place where i know no one and have to make friends from scratch. im glad in a way going to a place where i know no one and well, i won't have this feeling i am being watched by people.. bradford is good cuz i am 4 hours away from family but i still have the bradford uncle there and sometimes i feel like i don't get to be independent because he is always there.. This month has really been an emotionaly strain on me.. i have never felt this lonely before.. i just end up crying like dat.. i was sitting on the tube and saw this family and started crying cuz i was gettign homesick.. i was really looking forward to going home and i was crushed when i found out dat i had to stay behind and revise.. haven't done much revision though.. i think i went into depression for sometime.. i'm tryin to accept the fact dat i have stayed back for a month now and i have failed my exams but its just the hardest thing to accept. i just have been keeping to myself.. i don't want to talk to anybody.. i rather be by myself and just be in my own thoughts. i don't want to speak to anyone and msg or anything.. i don't know why i just want to withrdraw myself and sit in one corner and just let time fly..
SubaG
11:20 pm
