I was talking to Whisky today and he was having some love problems.. He really has got himself into a tight situation! basically he likes a girl who has a BF. Thing is the girl likes Whisky as well as the BF. I've been through a lot of disappointments in my life and come out of it..
My love live complication started off with Mr.T. He was my first crush.. I don't know wats wrong wit me, I could never just like a guy and be happy. I always felt i needed/wanted more. I mean I wrote him an e-mail and confessed to him and well, got rejected in the end along wit a few insults.. I was hurt but looking back, it was a good warning to me dat guys can be quite cruel to you.
Then it went on to Mr.A.. It started off like a nice story.. we were good friends and had a good laugh which each other.. i thought we were quite close actually... Don't know wat happened but he decided to move out of my life and do a disappearing act. Its still quite hard till now.. theres a tiny part of me that is curious to find out what happened but i guess time will tell!
Mr.S comes in and out of my life.. I was 16 and i just liked any attn i got i guess.. I remember speaking till 3 in the morning one night... It was sad dat he was in Uk and i was in brunei at dat time.. I felt secure when i was next to him, a feeling i haven't felt with anyone else. we have our separate lives now.. i do see him now and then in Uk. we smile and say hello but it just stops there. Being in his presence makes me know i am safe and his smile is enough to wipe away any of my sadness.. He is just too good for me!!
I went to Taylor's College and i thought dat a new life will lead to a new guy?? Mr.N was the first guy i saw in Taylor's and it was an even bigger shock when he was in the same class as me.. He was nice and i was shy.. Then he started ignoring and treating me like dirt... didn't know wat happened but realised it was due to my stupidity.. I learnt never to over expose my emotions..
I thought about Mr.V to try and forget about Mr.N, i remember it was Taylors A-level prom for the leaving batch and i found out dat Mr.N had a gf.. i didn't sleep dat night.. i jus got up at weird hours of the morning and i was crying dat he was taken by someother girl.. Looking back, i realised i should have just slept.. Wasted my beauty sleep.. I tried to get to know Mr.V better by messaging him in friendster and stuff like dat but he didn't show interest. I tried to send him a few mails and he would reply months later.. i finally realised dat he wasn't worth my time..
Moving to Bradford was a big step for me. I though i won't meet anyone and i was still getting over Mr.A. I guess i just wanted an answer to why he left me hanging like dat... I saw Mr.S.. I dunno whether it was my age or the position i was in. I just fell for Mr.S.. i did a lot of crazy things for him.. i made silly excuses as well, i never actually thought abt it logically. I told Mr.S dat i liked him more dan a friend on March 11 at 8:00 p.m. It was a very hard thing to do but the hardest thins would probably be him telling me dat he had a GF already. lol, thinking back i realised i was such a stupid girl but made me realise even further dat i was not ready for any sort of relationship..
I think meeting and confronting Mr.S was the best thing dat ever happened in my life.. I gradually started forgetting Mr.A, i forgot Mr.S as more dan a fren and saw him as a friend. You can say i just stopped liking guys. i didn't want to go through these processes. I saw Whisky cry today and i thought to myself, i don't want to cry anymore. i have wasted so much time crying about the guys i have liked. I think i deserve some self respect for myself and lead my life happily.
Mr.M has been a friend in my life but i am so scared dat i am gonna start thinking of him as more dan a friend. I have all the proof dat god doesn't want me to have relationships at this point in time. I really do trust dat God has higher plans for me and he has chosen the right guy for me and mr.right will come along in due time.. Its just i am so scared dat my friendship will get ruined if i start having other thoughts.. Mr.M has been able to put a smile on my face and just been able to keep me sane at times.. I guess i have to leave it to god, see where this trail takes me and hey, i can get through this as well..
LIfe is all about taking risks. At the end of the day, i am glad i made every risk i did and im still happy at the end of the day eventhough the relationships have been a failure. they have made me a stronger person today and dats wat is important.
SubaG
10:31 pm
