Been ages since i blogged! lol.. I guess i am just moving on with my life here in Bradford.. i dunno what i do though.. i go to lectures, come back and do something and next thing i know it its time to sleep! its sad i couldn't lead my busy lide in first year when it mattered and now i should be locked in my room with my books. my exams are in december and i so don't know what the lectures are about! i am getting panic attacks and can't concentrate properly in lectures. just sitting and worrying about what to do with my exams and revision. i remember a friend of mine once said dat why should i be afraid of exams. i should be facing my fears and not sit down and just feel the fear. Nothing will change to make me forget about it..Joined the gym two weeks ago. haven't been going everyday or anything like dat but i have been used to going to the gym.. need to get into shape. people have said i have put so muvh of weight on! Gosh... oh well, uni students and take aways i guess but i am determined to loose weight this year. lets see what happens. Ball is next week. I haven't got a dress yet, need to go dress shopping next week. i want to try and get a different colour dress this time but we will see what happens this time. I gave an announcement to first years today asking them to come to the ball. One of the guys came up to me after and asked me if i had a date for the ball.. lol, i never thought about having a date to the ball actually... used to going alone and enjoying myself alone. I just read my previous blog and i said i was going on a detox programme. i don't think i actually stuck to the detox! I speak about G tot hte girls and i meet M once in a while althought M and i are just strictly friends. its just a nice feeling at the end of the day to have a good friend. Its M's b'day on sunday. i was thinking of getting him his favourite movies on dvd. gonna get him wedding crashers and alladin.. I'm going to be 1 in exactly a month. i dunt want to turn 21, makes me feel like i am going to be old and i am going to have more responsibilities! M is flyinh off on my b'day. my exams start on the 11th. i have a very strong feeling my 21st is gonna be a boring day. i mean even the girls who live with me didn't bother to wish me last year. My parents are going to India in december. they are having a family holiday and guess wat i am stuck here! do i care?? Hmm... i dunno! i really wanted to go to india and to find out about family hols without me... i dunno what i feel. i think i just keep myself busy cuz i don't want to think about anything. i have been on the go eversince i came back in september. i complain i don't have time to myself but i am scared to have time to myself. i am scared im going to breakdown or think of stuff that will make me even more confused. been watching One Tree Hill. finished season three and started off with season four. i was so engrossed in it, it was crazy. i literally locked my room door while i was warching it. didn't want anyone to bother me. I know its a high school series but it has made me think of things. i know its sad but sometimes i think i am more like peyton.. i dunno cuz peyton seems depressed all the time and she seems to ruin everyone's moods.. I wish i meet someone like Nathan. but tats something for me to plan in a very long time!! lol Got my hoodie... my very own pharmacy hoodie dat says 'subaroonie' not dat i like rooney or anything like dat but yeah, dats wat people have been calling me here since first year. quite comfy it is.. got to get ready for the gym.....*are you happy Veenah? Finally blogged! Make sure you revise for your exams! im in trouble for not revising for mine!! Miss you xxx
SubaG
4:56 pm
I'm going to go on a one month detox programme. i don't want to like guys or think about guys. i want to try and find me back. i want to smell the flowers *figure of speech its the middle of autumn here! not gonna gte any fresh flowers!* i want to enjoy my friends and all my surroudings. thats wat matters at the end of the day NOT some tom, dick or Harry. :)Nighty Night
SubaG
3:20 am
I sure have been missing in action for quite a bit now! lol... Its been three weeks since i am back in Bradford.. Good Ol Bradford! lol.. Life's just been like one rollercoaster ride since i got back.. I haven't had a proper night where i have gone to sleep before 12 and just relaxed the next day.. I have been going to sleep late and waking up early.. Just came back from FND.. the girls are still out but i decided to come back early.. Gonna go shopping into Leeds tom! Yay.. i think i might need some retail therapy actually.. I fall for guys really easily. I might say dats my weakest point. I met this guy called G a few weeks ago and he seemed nice and we had some good conversations. i just found out he has a gf! I've come back to the starting point again.. i am familiar to this feeling! lol.. I really wanted tostop with guys after sathish but i seemed to have fallen twice now! I'm so sick of love songs and so tiredof tears!M is back.. he didn't make it to third year and has to redo second year. Saw hima couple of times.. things have been so weird between us. idunno why.. i haven;t been myself and he seems like he is annoyed with me.. i dunno hwta i have done and i dunno what is wrong with our relationship now. im just gonna give it a rest and see how things go. I miss the old me. i want the old me back. i feel like i have lost myself after the resit exam. i don't know myself. i look in the mirror n u see this person staring back at me n i feel lost. i want to just run away from everything. i want to go away n not speak to anyone. i feel like locking my room n staying in their. i dunt want to speak to anyone. i want to go back home. i want to see familiar places. i want to see familiar people i want to put my head on my moms lap and just sleep.. i want to go back. i guess i am just releasing all my emotions dat i have bottled up.. im going to sleep now. i don't want to go on longer. it will just make me feel worse..
SubaG
2:50 am
I sometimes wonder why we are so attached to our family members. Blood is thicker than water. Most of the arguments and misunderstandings happen between family members than our friends. i wonder if we are more tolerable with our friends than with our family. I am really scared with my patience. I think i might be loosing my patience as i am growing older.. I gues its cuz more responsibilities are pilled on me as the years are increasing. I was quite proud of myself for handling it so far. I used to be proud of my family. i just realised i had chosen the word ''used to' all my family members were understanding and everyone was doign things for everyone with no expectations. everything seems to be changing. i have aunts gossiping about other aunts and i have family members who are angry wit each other. i seem to be the dumping ground for most of them. they tell me their thoughts. i don't mind dat. i like to listen to peoples thoughts and see if i can help out or not. Its gets hard at certain points and i am sure god is testing me at every point. I guess dats why i want to stay at a bit of distant wit the family so dat i won't get involved with the politics. You notice the difference when one member of the family is gone.., people have changed, sometimes take things for granted. i just pray t god we will get back to the same family we once were when i was a child. we were filled with smiles and happiness and not ego, jealousy and hatred. i hope my aunt gets married soon cuz i think a family celebration is all we need to improve situation!!!
SubaG
4:42 pm
Feeling so sleepy!! Been awake watching two movies! lol.. then ended up chattin for a while. Had to wake up early to finish all my packing. i take so long to pack. i guess i want things to be where they should be and not just everywhere but i still take my time wit it! I was having weird dreams yesterday but i think its cuz i didn't have enough sleep and i don't really like sleeping in this room. im on the last floor and i think i a the only one in this floor. i was always wondering if i can rent an apartment and live alone but i guess i can. i rather be staying in an apartment alone dan with a lot more people. its not dat i want to be a loner or anti-friendly but i like to do things my way and have it my way. i can't wait till i get to have my own place and live independently. Waiting for my uncle to come and pick me up.. could have had a short nap in this time and im so hungry! don't have food hea as well! 10 days are gone by. spoke to my parents today. im going home! Yay!! :) but i better not get too excited. the last time i couldn't go back home when i got happy i was going back. im jus gonna take a step back and see if i make it onto a plane!Well, gonna be an interesting wkend in bradford wit family. bradford has actually grown on me and i think its a nice place to stay. its nice to stay on campus cuz everything is just walking distance and everything is quite compact. i like it when im back. gonna be back in 2 and a half week *fingers crossed*
SubaG
10:57 am
Time flies but this is one of my favourite phrases. i just love to mention dat time flies!! it does indeed. i finished sitting for my resit. I have no comments about it.. I have sat for it and i guess i have tried my best. nothing else i can say. I really want to do pharmacy. i love doing what i am going to do. i think this is one job dat really fits me!! i hope i can continue through to the course.. This 11 days are really going to be nerve-wrecking. So many things have happened this hols. I have grown quite a bit i can say. Miss working in the pharmacy actually. been working there for the last two months, its a part of my daily routine. Everything happens for a reason and it works out for yout best interest! i keep saying it actually.. i'll be going to brunei next weekend! can't wait!! Its been over a year since I've been back home. Only god knows how i have been feeling these two months. I have to be so thankful to him to give me so much strength to overcome my obstacles. there were times when i just broke down in the tube or in the bus. i don't know what was going on with me at dat time. im booked to leave london on the 10th and arriving london on the 24th. its gonna be the best 14 days, hopefully *fingers crossed* Lubna is getting married next week.. she is going to me a married woman in less dan a year.. i don't knoow how she is going to be. its such a big step. i know the guy is right for her and everything. she is more dan ready for this marriage but it surely has made me thinking about my own life. i know i should be concentrating on my studies and my career but there is more to life dan work. I have never got to experience the other part of life yet. i mean i have felt dat speacial happiness when a guy pays attn to you but i have not been able to find dat 'bond' with a guy.. There are times when i feel like i am capable of doing everything by myself and i don't need anyone by myside.. There are sometimes when i feel i just want someone who is just there. there are times when you can say anything to your girl friends and they will always be there for you. I realised dat spending 10 mins wit dat special someone can really brighten up my day. I guess its one of those things dat cannot really be explained. i think i have been influenced by two of movies i just finished watching. i finished watching she's the man and the perfect man just now. it was a nice combination of movies. i just wanted to be by myself and watch some movies. i wanted to watch an asian movie. will be nice to just watch a three hour movie! lol.. there wasn't anything good though.. Well, its 1 30 in the morning, i should be sleeping actually and i thought i will blog a bit.. i got a feeling i keep repeating myself but i think i will return back to my original self when i know wats gonna happen to me and whether i will be able to go through to third year.
SubaG
1:06 am
Its gonna be a week since i am back in bradford.. Gosh, time really flies! Its already gonna be the end of August!! my exam is in four days time!! i don't know wat im gonna do.. I'm really scared for my exams and i don't know if i am going to pass this or not. I really hope i will pass this exam. its the only thing stopping me from making it to third year.Well, what have i been doing this week. I cut my hair when i came to bradford. my straight hair is gone already.. I just realised dat my hair is like my boycut when i was in form two.. i didn't realise it till i washed it the next day.. its hard to tame the hair at the moment but i am just typing it up with loads of clips! i think its easy to tame it if i have straight hair.. i've been hanging out with the guys quite a bit.. its so boring in my halls. there is no one to speak to or see. this halls is really dead! i was not used to all the silence so i was just going out with them and having my lunch or dinner. actually i end up having my dinner with whisky. he just stays in two doors away so it makes more sense for me to go to his place and have dinner.. I think matthew got the wrong idea thought when he found out i keep having dinner with whisky but its quite hard trying to say whisky is my little bro! loli went to birmingham yesterday for temple prayers. It was really good and i think it made me realise a few things for myself dat i have been forgetting or being mislead. i just hope i'll stand firm with my feelings. I really want to go to india to visit the temple there but i don't know when will i be getting a chance. my aunt is going in october and i asked my parents and they have said yes but then my travelling feng shui this year is really bad. all my travel plans are just going haywire and not as planned. Lubna is getting married next week. i wonder how she is feeling. its gonna be weird not having her in halls next year.. its a big step to get married and live with your husband while you are still studying. its her last year as well. she has to adapt to a lot of things but i am sure she can. it must have been hard for her to stay engaged to her husband for three years. i don't think i could be married while i was in uni actuall. i wouldn't mind being engaged in uni but definately not married. feeling sleepy actually.. will probably get to sleep and then wake up early tom to start studying.. going to go and see some people after their resits. they must be hating me cuz i keep going after every exam has finished to meet these people.
SubaG
11:18 pm
Its always good to have high expectations when you want to achieve something. its good to set high goals for youself cuz even if you cannot met it, it will still be high enough.. We shouldn't have high expectations in receiving things.. There would be no disappointments or broken hopes if we don't have hope. Just receive things one day at a time. Don't stop hoping for things to receive cuz it won't happen like dat. Life is weird.. What can I say but we will definately come across the answers soon enough...
SubaG
8:31 pm
I was talking to Whisky today and he was having some love problems.. He really has got himself into a tight situation! basically he likes a girl who has a BF. Thing is the girl likes Whisky as well as the BF. I've been through a lot of disappointments in my life and come out of it..
My love live complication started off with Mr.T. He was my first crush.. I don't know wats wrong wit me, I could never just like a guy and be happy. I always felt i needed/wanted more. I mean I wrote him an e-mail and confessed to him and well, got rejected in the end along wit a few insults.. I was hurt but looking back, it was a good warning to me dat guys can be quite cruel to you.
Then it went on to Mr.A.. It started off like a nice story.. we were good friends and had a good laugh which each other.. i thought we were quite close actually... Don't know wat happened but he decided to move out of my life and do a disappearing act. Its still quite hard till now.. theres a tiny part of me that is curious to find out what happened but i guess time will tell!
Mr.S comes in and out of my life.. I was 16 and i just liked any attn i got i guess.. I remember speaking till 3 in the morning one night... It was sad dat he was in Uk and i was in brunei at dat time.. I felt secure when i was next to him, a feeling i haven't felt with anyone else. we have our separate lives now.. i do see him now and then in Uk. we smile and say hello but it just stops there. Being in his presence makes me know i am safe and his smile is enough to wipe away any of my sadness.. He is just too good for me!!
I went to Taylor's College and i thought dat a new life will lead to a new guy?? Mr.N was the first guy i saw in Taylor's and it was an even bigger shock when he was in the same class as me.. He was nice and i was shy.. Then he started ignoring and treating me like dirt... didn't know wat happened but realised it was due to my stupidity.. I learnt never to over expose my emotions..
I thought about Mr.V to try and forget about Mr.N, i remember it was Taylors A-level prom for the leaving batch and i found out dat Mr.N had a gf.. i didn't sleep dat night.. i jus got up at weird hours of the morning and i was crying dat he was taken by someother girl.. Looking back, i realised i should have just slept.. Wasted my beauty sleep.. I tried to get to know Mr.V better by messaging him in friendster and stuff like dat but he didn't show interest. I tried to send him a few mails and he would reply months later.. i finally realised dat he wasn't worth my time..
Moving to Bradford was a big step for me. I though i won't meet anyone and i was still getting over Mr.A. I guess i just wanted an answer to why he left me hanging like dat... I saw Mr.S.. I dunno whether it was my age or the position i was in. I just fell for Mr.S.. i did a lot of crazy things for him.. i made silly excuses as well, i never actually thought abt it logically. I told Mr.S dat i liked him more dan a friend on March 11 at 8:00 p.m. It was a very hard thing to do but the hardest thins would probably be him telling me dat he had a GF already. lol, thinking back i realised i was such a stupid girl but made me realise even further dat i was not ready for any sort of relationship..
I think meeting and confronting Mr.S was the best thing dat ever happened in my life.. I gradually started forgetting Mr.A, i forgot Mr.S as more dan a fren and saw him as a friend. You can say i just stopped liking guys. i didn't want to go through these processes. I saw Whisky cry today and i thought to myself, i don't want to cry anymore. i have wasted so much time crying about the guys i have liked. I think i deserve some self respect for myself and lead my life happily.
Mr.M has been a friend in my life but i am so scared dat i am gonna start thinking of him as more dan a friend. I have all the proof dat god doesn't want me to have relationships at this point in time. I really do trust dat God has higher plans for me and he has chosen the right guy for me and mr.right will come along in due time.. Its just i am so scared dat my friendship will get ruined if i start having other thoughts.. Mr.M has been able to put a smile on my face and just been able to keep me sane at times.. I guess i have to leave it to god, see where this trail takes me and hey, i can get through this as well..
LIfe is all about taking risks. At the end of the day, i am glad i made every risk i did and im still happy at the end of the day eventhough the relationships have been a failure. they have made me a stronger person today and dats wat is important.
SubaG
10:31 pm
